Who Are "Mitts" Romney?

On March 12, 1947 neither George nor Lenore Romney realized the birth of their son, Willard, was actually the birth of two sons: Mitt and Mitts.

While in utero, the precocious Mitts realized that being so identical would lead the two to have serious identity crises. Before they born, the two agreed that if Mitt took a position, Mitts would take the opposite point of view.

Both Mitts also understood that the only way to survive in the same house meant that only one Mitt could be present. Therefore, they agreed to merge into a single body, which contained within it two Mitts.

Both Mitts agreed to run for governor in 2002. Mitt 1 wanted to run for governor of Massachusetts; while Mitt 2 wanted to run for governor of Utah. Mitts had legitimate residency ties to both states.

The two Mitts agreed on Massachusetts with the understanding that they would divide the 4 year term in half. Mitt 1 would get to be governor for 2 years while Mitt 2 would take the helm for the last 2 years. If they agreed to run for public office again, Mitt 2 would be in charge first.

Mitt 1 ran the gubernatorial campaign by embracing positions that enraged Mitt 2. But what could Mitt 2 do? A deal was a deal and he would just have to wait his turn.

Mitt 1 publicly stated, “I believe that abortion should be safe and legal,” that he supported abortion since before the passage of Roe v. Wade. “I will respect and protect a woman’s right to choose.”  Mitt 1 also supported the morning after pill for rape victims who came into the emergency room.

Poor Mitt 2 suffered terribly but could do nothing about it He just had to wait his turn.

Mitt 1 banned assault weapons stating,”Assault weapons are instruments of destruction.”

Much to Mitt 2’s chagrin, Mitt 1 endorsed aggressive programs to reduce greenhouse gasses. “Coal kills people”, he said.

With regards to gays Mitt I said,” All citizens deserve equal rights regardless of sexual orientation.”

Mitt 2 thought his chance to run a state would never arrive. But it did. Even more important, Mitt 2 got to run for president of the United States.

As soon as he took over the reins of power, Mitt 2 began to radically change positions. First, he wanted to change the legality of same sex marriage in Massachusetts and supported an amendment to the Massachusetts constitution to prohibit same sex marriages.

Mitt 2 clearly and emphatically voiced his defense of 2nd amendment right. He rejected new gun control laws. “The answer to horrific acts of violence is changing the heart of the American people. Poor Mitt 1 was extremely disheartened.

Mitt 1 was extremely concerned that his credibility would be permanently wrecked when Mitt 2 criticized President Obama for making it more difficult to get coal out of the ground.  Mitt 2 did not support the development of the alternative energy sources that Mitt 1 had supported.

Mitt 1 started throwing tantrums screaming so loudly within Mitt 2 that Mitt 2 could no longer hear himself think without Mitt 1’s voice causing him to become confused.

Much to his, and his supporters chagrin, the Mitts merged and spoke in one confused garbled voice.

While the Mitts said they were for smaller government they also said, “If government just cuts spending you slow down the economy.”

The two Mitts attacked the Affordable Care Act while acknowledging that he was its father in Massachusetts.

But his big money supporters reminded Mitts, and especially Mitt 1, that for the sake of personal political gain he had to sacrifice his belief in the health of Americans; the health of the planet; his belief in equality for all Americans; gun control and a more secure America if he wished to become president.